A long, long time ago…
An old humble lady was invited to a banquet given by the third vizier to the Shahanshah.
The banquet was sumptuous. There was gaz (nougat) from Isfahan, sohan from Ghom, venison from Gorgan, sturgeon and caviar from Babolsar (on the Caspian sea), rahat-al-ghum (Turkish delight) from Hashtroud (in Azerbaijan where my ancestors hail from) and delicacies from the rest of the empire (Iran covered a huge portion of Asia in those days).
As the banquet continued festively full of fun, the old lady felt an ache in the stomach. She had an extremely bad case of wind. The old lady did her best to stop the wind. She bent over in pain squeezing ever muscle around her sfinkter.
Alas and alack…
To no avail.
She let out a tiny fart.
In truth no one had heard it, smelled it or noticed in the slightest way.
But she knew. She had farted in the banquet of third vizier to the Shahanshah.
The old lady went pink in the face and then red and redder and shrunk in size out of shame. She became smaller and smaller and eventually she totally disappeared from sight.
The old lady melted into the ground out of shame and next moment found herself in the land of farts.
The farts who normally did not get visitors from the land of humans arrested her and took her in front of their king.
The king of farts had a fantastic palace with bright shimmering multicolored walls. Everywhere you looked you would see rainbows, chimera, and gossamer.
The fart soldiers threw the old lady in front of the fart king, who screamed, "Human, how dare you enter our realm?"
The old lady replied, "You majesty, I had no intention of coming here," and she told her story of how she had farted in the vizier's palace and had grown smaller and smaller out of shame and the disappeared from the face of the earth…
The king of the farts could see into the heart of people and said, "You tell the truth and you are here for no fault of your own. Since a fart caused you shame we will send you home with one hundred Ashrafis (gold coins the size of sovereigns – I suppose about $100,000 in today's money)…
The old lady was in here home the next instant with a bag of one hundred gold coins. She gave away half to friends and the poor and kept the other half for herself.
Her nosy neighbor. Eventually manged to discover what had happened. So the next time she was going to a party she ate plenty of beans beforehand and even so she did not have to fart. In the party the nosy neighbor ate as much fruit as could and then when she still hads no wind she started jumping up and down and swallowing air. She did all she could do and eventually she managed to fart.
Even though she had farted on purpose she pretended to be ashamed. She held her breath until she went pink and next red in the face. Still she held her breath and grew smaller and smaller until she melted into the ground and was soon in the land of the farts.
Once more she was taken to the king and when asked why she was there the greedy neighbor replied, "Sire, I could not help myself. I was at a party and I farted. I was ashamed and next thing I knew I found myself in your presence."
Alas and alack, the king of the farts could see into people's hearts. He said, "You are a liar. My poor subject was minding his own business. You forced him out and farted shamelessly. You then held your breath and forced yourself into my realm. I order you to get one hundred lashes before being sent home…
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